J9withdogs Posted November 16, 2008 Share Posted November 16, 2008 A major supermarket chain has announced that small bombs have been found hidden in tins of alphabet spaghetti. If they go off, they could spell disaster. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel B Posted November 16, 2008 Author Share Posted November 16, 2008 Jacobs organised a charity fun run for it's staff, unfortunately they were all so un-fit, by the end they were all totally 'cream crackered'!!!!! (lol) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." On a Church's Bill board: "7 days without God makes one weak." At a Tyre Store "Invite us to your next blowout." On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!" At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a Car Exhaust Store: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." In a Vets waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up." In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak." Sign on the back of yet another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza454 Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 Dear Mrs Murray While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, I am considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband modifies his behaviour. Below is a list of offences over the past few months, all verified by our surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares.... and watched what happened. 5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove. 7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' 8. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were. 9. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme. 10. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels. 11. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!' 12. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again And last, but not least: 13. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.' Yours sincerely Charles Brown Store Manager Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel B Posted November 19, 2008 Author Share Posted November 19, 2008 I made myself a snowball As perfect as can be I thought I’d keep it as a pet, And let it sleep with me. I made it some pyjamas And a pillow for it’s head. Then last night it ran away But first - it wet the bed!!!! 8-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patricia Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 Just found this - what a brilliant thread!! I have laughed out loud so much that I have upset the dog! I especially like your contribution Donna. Sorry but I haven't anything to contribute myself but thanks to all of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted November 20, 2008 Share Posted November 20, 2008 As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally AH would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, AH kinda figured we was friends.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted November 20, 2008 Share Posted November 20, 2008 Pleeease don't shoot the messenger... BEWARE ADULT CONTENT!!! (But it is funny..) Click on link only if you are over the age of 52 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jacqui Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 well Janine afraid I have been naughty and had a look even though I am under 50, but must agree funny, it takes all sorts *-) :$ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davenewellhome Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 What does "cracking one off" mean J9?? D. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 I have absolutely no idea, Dave. It was the last line about the Jack Russell Terrier that made me giggle. :$ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davenewellhome Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 It was the 750mm wide jar of pasta sauce that made me worry 8-) D. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tracker Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 And the reference to Adolf's anatomical shortcomings on the same page made me smile too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
parkmoy Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more English. She is shortly to become an unmarried, single mother with three kids from different fathers, one of them black. Job done Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel B Posted November 24, 2008 Author Share Posted November 24, 2008 davenewell@home - 2008-11-21 7:56 PM What does "cracking one off" mean J9?? D. I thought that meant farting ... into a jar of pasta sauce ... everyone sing now: "I'm for ever blowing bubbles ....." (lol) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donna miller Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 Mel B - 2008-11-24 9:34 PM davenewell@home - 2008-11-21 7:56 PM What does "cracking one off" mean J9?? D. I thought that meant farting ...(lol) Mel, You've led such a sheltered life. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 Can I point out to the 'Chatters' that we have our own very funny comedian on this forum in the shape of the esteemed Derek Uzzell. A couple of his recent witticisms: Re 12v Hairdryers: I'm still working on the gas-fuelled hair-drier that I mentioned years ago. This combines a powerful 12V fan with an adapted Campingaz stove. Development has been slow as testing can only be carried out infrequently when our cat's fur has grown back to a sufficient length. Re: VW T4/T5 I've never studied an Ann Summers catalogue in detail, so it's useful to know it contains motorhome accessories. I did glance briefly through the index once and noticed there were sections on batteries and vibration (I'm pretty sure it was vibration), so it's bound to be useful to motorcaravanners as they are always seeking advice on forums about such things. Classics :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John H Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 Derek has got a really dry sense of humour. He gives lots of very usefull information to anyone who asks but ocasionally throws in a little gem to bring a smile to my face. I doubt that he will see this because I don't think he strays onto Chatterbox very often. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 John H - 2008-11-25 9:03 AM I doubt that he will see this because I don't think he strays onto Chatterbox very often. Shame - he would be a very useful voice of reason in here!! I met him at Malvern this year and he is a really nice man. I don't think he knew what to make of me & Joy though - he declined our offer to be dragged back to our vans. :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundance kid Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 Re Madonna. And she lives on an estate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Syd Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 Text message recieved recently How does a man find a sheep in very long grass Bloody Irresistible Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
avongas Posted November 26, 2008 Share Posted November 26, 2008 FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director TO: Everyone RE: Christmas Party DATE: December 1 I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! =================================================== FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director DATE: December 2 RE: Christmas Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now? ===================================================== FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director DATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? ==================================================== FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and intimacy during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything? ==================================================== FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay??? ===================================================== FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director Date: December 9 RE: Holiday Party People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up? ===================================================== FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director DATE: December 10 RE: Holiday Party Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now! ====================================================== FROM: Karen Jones, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: December 14 RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Smith a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Whatever. :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CliveH Posted November 26, 2008 Share Posted November 26, 2008 Excellent Spud. Now being forwarded! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted November 27, 2008 Share Posted November 27, 2008 The Government today announced it is changing its national symbol to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pr**ks and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being screwed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jacqui Posted November 28, 2008 Share Posted November 28, 2008 > Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the > pearly gates. > > "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each > possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." > > The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He > flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. > > "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. > > The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. > He shook them and said, "They're bells." > > Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates". > > The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and > finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. > > St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow a and asked, "And > just what do those symbolize?" > > > The man replied, "These are Carols." > > And So The Christmas Season > Begins...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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