jacqui Posted November 28, 2008 Share Posted November 28, 2008 Scotch with two drops of water... A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma 'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BGD Posted November 28, 2008 Share Posted November 28, 2008 This gave me a smile when I read it today: "What's the ideal weight for your Mother In Law?" "About 3 pounds. Including the urn." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jacqui Posted November 28, 2008 Share Posted November 28, 2008 'OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!' 'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. 'OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door, 'OLD' IS WHEN... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police 'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today. 'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot. 'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom. AND 'OLD' IS WHEN... You are not sure these are jokes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jacqui Posted November 28, 2008 Share Posted November 28, 2008 A Christmas Story for people having a bad day: When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jacqui Posted November 28, 2008 Share Posted November 28, 2008 Delia's Way > Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent > ice-cream drips. > > The Real Woman's Way > Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You > are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. > > Delia's Way > To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. > > The Real Woman's Way > Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year. > > Delia's Way > When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry > cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the > cake. > > The Real Woman's Way > Tescos' sell cakes. They even do decorated versions. > > Delia's Way > If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a > potato slice. > > The Real Woman's Way > If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough sh!t. Please > recite with me the Real Woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I > don't care how bad it tastes.' > > Delia's Way > Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will > keep for weeks > > The Real Woman's Way > It could keep forever. Who eats it? > > Delia's Way > Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. > The throbbing will go away. > > The Real Woman's Way > Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of > vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you wont give > a sh*t? > > Delia's Way > If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They > give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy. > > The Real Woman's Way > Why do I have a man? > > Finally the most important tip > > Delia's Way > > Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles > > The Real Woman's Way > left over wine???? Helllloooo!! > *************************************************************** > > Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
avongas Posted December 3, 2008 Share Posted December 3, 2008 Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.' -------------------------------------------------------------------- 'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home..' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.' ------------------------------------------------------------------- A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his Teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? ' 'No, because he's really heavy' -------------------------------------------------------------------- 'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.' 'Well you can't say fairer than that then' ------------------------------------------------------------------ Two elephants walk off a cliff...... Boom boom! --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My dog's died.' --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' ------------------------------------------------------------------- So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' --------------------------------------------------------------------- Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'get out of the filing cabinet.' -------------------------------------------------------------------- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you Give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?' --------------------------------------------------------------------- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking Battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. --------------------------------------------------------------------- You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice. --------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill' --------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walked into the doctors, He said 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places' --------------------------------------------------------------------- I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy. --------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I Couldn't find any. --------------------------------------------------------------------- I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one Of them would have seen it. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash Key...' ------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he Couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' --------------------------------------------------------------------- My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. --------------------------------------------------------------------- A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'. --------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!' --------------------------------------------------------------------- Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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