nowtelse2do Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 pelmetman - 2012-02-27 7:26 PM .in case his crimplene jim jams caused a spark 8-) Ah yes..!! those dreaded static caravaners......."keep your distance from them" said Sir Robin. Sir Francis said......." D'yer recon ill be sucksesfil".........(sorry , typo)......."Do you think he will be successful"........" Who with, Michele, Donna or the lettuce" asked Sir Robin........"All of them I should think", said Lord Breakenwynd. The three of them decided that they would retire for the next two days. On the third day (leap year) they all convened at Sir Francis rooms at the club. Lord Kirbyman looked at them and with a smug smile said.........."Genitalmen............. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowtelse2do Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 pelmetman - 2012-02-27 7:32 PM nowtelse2do - 2012-02-27 7:15 PM WAIT TWILL I'VE WHAD MY BL**DY TWEA WILL WOU. Oooop's ............worry I was on a... Woll.................. :D Your wooooopsie accepted. You'll be telling us you led a dogs life next, and I think you were nauticaled not nautical. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michele Posted February 27, 2012 Author Share Posted February 27, 2012 Your mad bloody mad the lot of ya :D :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 nowtelse2do - 2012-02-27 7:48 PM Lord Kirbyman looked at them and with a smug smile said.........."Genitalmen............. Wey I man........you geezers look nonplussed.............I is the geezer with another score on the door ;-).................said Lord Kirbyman Sir Robin, Sir Francis and all.............stared in amazement.......................Lord Kirbyman in a........ shell suit was more than they could comprehend 8-) 8-) 8-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michele Posted February 27, 2012 Author Share Posted February 27, 2012 Its a gaggie man not a Geezer thats an old boiler :D :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 michele - 2012-02-27 8:30 PM Its a gaggie man not a Geezer thats an old boiler :D :D :D :D I can tell you ain't pure Essex *-)............We is proper rough down Souf........Init :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowtelse2do Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 "My God, Lord Kirbyman, where on earth did you get that pink shell suit, and was it expensive?" asked Sir Robin, looking green with envy "Wey hey man, 200 nectar points dawn at thi pumps" " You mean Trainers don't you" said Sir Robin. "Naw y winop, the petrol station" retorted Lord Kirbyman *-) "What sizes are there, and do you get measured up, forgive me for asking........w..wh...what side do you hang on" asked Sir Robin. "Both sides" replied Lord Kirbyman...." I deh a lat a runnin" Forgetting the Geordie accent that he'd been practising to impress Michele, Lord Kirbyman reverted back to his own tongue. Now then chaps, I have managed to decipher Michele's lettuce and it seems that a few of the leafs were stuck together, but this is the gist"................... Foot..!! yes that's right. Footnote. I have to take leave of the forum now. May see you later. Hey pelmetman, are we on copyright here and what's the cut ;-) I think this a blockbuster :D Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 So where was I?.............Oh yeah :D Pelmetman double parked Horace outside New Scotland Yard and mega minced into the station as it was nearly that time of the month 8-)........................Arriving in reception he was somewhat taken aback by all the weirdos that were there.................the reception Sargent who had dealt with at least 3 superhero's that day eye'd pelmetman up and down said........................YES?..........I....I .....would wike to wee inwector Wanhole wease......................... Sadly this led to Pelmetman being locked up and Horace being towed away 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 nowtelse2do - 2012-02-27 8:48 PM Foot..!! yes that's right. Footnote. I have to take leave of the forum now. May see you later. Hey pelmetman, are we on copyright here and what's the cut ;-) I think this a blockbuster :D Dave I've got to do deliveries tomorrow aswell.........so if anyone feels the urge :D,,,,,,,,,,,,,feel free,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, as that Nowtelse2do bloke has hogged this thread something rotten (lol) (lol) (lol) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted February 29, 2012 Share Posted February 29, 2012 nowtelse2do - 2012-02-27 8:48 PM Now then chaps, I have managed to decipher Michele's lettuce and it seems that a few of the leafs were stuck together, but this is the gist"................... Gist? said Sir Robin.........Yes its not in code....... its Donna's misspelt shopping list and menu for Pelmetmans lunch ............ Cock-&- leeky soup starter.............Donna's special Kebab for main..........and for deserts taffy apple pie Lord Kirbyman and Sir Robin looked at each other in utter confusion :-S.....................why would Donna's shopping list be sent to Sir Francis with a DNA report. Sir Francis was saying nothing for the time being...................as he would deal with Pelmetman and Donna later................ In the mean time he wanted to get back to his plans for world domination.......and getting elected as Headknob of the committee was an essential first step, because Sir Francis new where real power lay.......it wasn't with politicians and their petty party wrangling, but in the corridors of Knobs where their puppet masters resided................and Sir Francis intended to make sure he was in charge of the committee, who decided who to allow to become Knob members...........and the committee also had the power to Knobble!........to be cast out from Knobs was the ultimate disgrace. Being Headknob was not enough on its own to have total control of the committee.................so through very devious means including bribery, blackmail and untimely deaths he was able to ensure come next weeks election he would become Headknob, along with Lord Kirbyman, Sir Robin and the Bullock twins giving Sir Francis complete control. The Bullock twins were the offspring of Sir Humphrey Bullock, known to his friends as "Humper"...........and with good reason, as he was the right hand man of Dominique Strauss Kahn......Top bod of the IMF with whom he had similar tastes and ideas of how to treat the fairer sex ....................It was due to his constant chasing of the tween stairs maids at Knobs that he had been Knobbled................So he had ordered his sprogs to do Sir Francis's bidding to ensure he was allowed to return Unknobbled. The identical twins were the complete opposite of their parents............and were known to everyone as Port & Starboard Bullock on account of one being left handed and the other right.............plus the fact that they were gay....... which was shock enough to their father............but being incestuously gay..........was the last straw and had threatened to cut them out of his will unless they did what Sir Francis asked. Their given names were actually Porto and Santander, it was the fashion at the time to name ones children after the place they were conceived in............and although it is medically impossible to conceive twins in two different cities........... their mother Virginia Shagwell former porn starlet and at the time air stewardess to the the 1st class section of a Virgin Atlantic jumbo jet............ looking out the toilet window, she observed the two cities whilst being sha**ed doggy fashion by Sir Humphrey............and due to an unfortunate blowout of the strawberry flavour featherlite the twins were conceived and Virginia became by default and an expensive divorce Sir Humphrey's 6th wife................thus ending her career as a air stewardess with a useful sideline in accommodating "mile high club" members. There was a commotion outside the door.................whats that?.... said Sir Francis Oh its only the Judge........ I reckon he's caught that new tween stairs maid MelB..... between stairs again..... said Sir Robin with a laugh. Suddenly a loud scream of pain............................... 8-) 8-) 8-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel B Posted February 29, 2012 Share Posted February 29, 2012 pelmetman - 2012-02-29 2:43 PM There was a commotion outside the door.................whats that?.... said Sir Francis Oh its only the Judge........ I reckon he's caught that new tween stairs maid MelB..... between stairs again..... said Sir Robin with a laugh. Suddenly a loud scream of pain............................... 8-) 8-) 8-) The door flew open and in hobbled Judge moaning. "What on earth has happened to you Judge?", asked Sir Francis, "Why didn't you warn me about the new maid Robin!" groaned Judge, "I've just been 'knobbled' by that new maid - I only asked her if she wanted to stroke my ermine!" 8-) "How was I to know that she was a black belt in the ancient art of power tooling, without the need for power!" *-) Sir Francis by this point was struggling to keep his usual scowling face and suddenly burst out laughing uncontrollably ... you mean you've been 'Black and Deckered'!!! (lol) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted February 29, 2012 Share Posted February 29, 2012 (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JudgeMental Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 His Judgeliness flew into the reception hall of Mental Manor shouting “what is the meaning of this interruption!”. As he entered his ermine dressing gown snagged on the stature of Adonis (with whom he shared a remarkable likeness!) The ermine parted......exposing his large protuberance, hanging over his union jack thong...The sight of the Judges bulbous head glistening with sweat in the moon light overcame the throng, and they hushed in pure expectation....The assembled lady things of the fori squealed in delight! As the Judge said well as you are all here we may as well ..... ...... (redacted) Oh me Judge! ME ME ME they all screamed. They were all there, half of em married! The strumpets! There was......... and.............. and .......... looking ravishing as ever (names redacted for the sake of probity) After the lady things had had their fill, the Judge returned upstairs to Mrs Mental and his wives...ONLY to be disturbed again with loud banging on the door!!! who could this be at such an ungodly hour........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 JudgeMental - 2012-03-01 5:36 PM ONLY to be disturbed again with loud banging on the door!!! who could this be at such an ungodly hour........ Its the referee.....................how could you get to Mental Manor with your large protuberance after being knobbled by Mel B? *-).....................can we have a bit of continuity please Eddie :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michele Posted March 1, 2012 Author Share Posted March 1, 2012 :D :D :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flicka Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 The Judge's large protuberance was the bruise coming up after being knobbled by Mel B Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JudgeMental Posted March 2, 2012 Share Posted March 2, 2012 Oop'S I meant to start with A few days had passed since since Mels assault of the judge which she is about to pay dearly for! His Judgeleness flew into the reception hall of Mental Manor shouting “what is the meaning of this interruption!”. As he entered his ermine dressing gown snagged on the stature of Adonis (with whom he shared a remarkable likeness!) The ermine parted......exposing his large protuberance, hanging over his union jack thong...The sight of the Judges bulbous head glistening with sweat in the moon light overcame the throng, and they hushed in pure expectation....The assembled lady things of the fori squealed in delight! As the Judge said well as you are all here we may as well ..... ...... (redacted) Oh me Judge! ME ME ME they all screamed. They were all there, half of em married! The strumpets! There was......... and.............. and .......... looking ravishing as ever (names redacted for the sake of probity) After the lady things had had their fill, the Judge returned upstairs to Mrs Mental and his wives...ONLY to be disturbed again with loud banging on the door!!! who could this be at such an ungodly hour!........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted March 2, 2012 Share Posted March 2, 2012 JudgeMental - 2012-03-02 8:06 AM who could this be at such an ungodly hour!........ Said the Judge.........disentangling himself from his final orgy of the night, donned his leopard skin thong and peep hole vest and went to the door......... By Jove its Port & Star.... I mean Porto Santander how the devil are ye.......didn't expect to find you around here at this time of night? The Bullock twins standing side by side with a hand in each others pocket replied in unison......Sir Francis sent us with a message.... Oh you better come in then chaps.......make yourselves comfortable can I get you anything?.....a couple of wicked wenches or a ladyboy or two............No judge we have everything we need in hand.....replied the twins......... I expect you do 8-).........said the Judge who was not easily shocked..... Sir Francis would like to consult you on a legal matter concerning inheritance & DNA as soon as you are at leisure to do so...............said the Twins Well said the Judge ........I have some unfinished business upstairs so I'll pop round to the club tomorrow morning if that suits........................Will that strumpet Mel B be there? Yes Judge.....said the twins eyeing his still swollen protuberance....... but she has been moved to other duties due to your unfortunate misunderstanding........ the committee has decided in view of her abilities with power tools they have set the task of refurbishing the clubs bathrooms. Good good the way she handles a tool fair made my eyes water............. G'night to you then chaps Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laimeduck Posted March 2, 2012 Share Posted March 2, 2012 The Bullock twins reversed & skipped off merrily down the drive each holding their own & did not notice the rustling that came from the bushes to the left of the door. Who was there? What was it? The wind momentarily wafted through and a branch moved slightly to reveal a white hankie spotted with blood covering a face, but there was more …. A sudden flash of green red & blue glinted in the moonlight from what appeared to be a jewel encrusted knob of some description? The light in the adjacent room flicked on and with a waft of perfume the dark figure glided off into the darkness whistling a tune known only to a few people “Oh dearest Flo, I love you so, especially in your nightie, when the moonlight flits, across your…” At that moment the door crashed open and……………. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 laimeduck - 2012-03-02 1:29 PM At that moment the door crashed open and……………. Who's that hanging around my back passage?....... shouted the Judge.........Is it you Flo?.......Your Mothers having a fit.........get in here! Yes Daddy......said Flo I bet you've been playing around with that rake with the fancy knob again.............what have your Mother and I been telling you............your going to be betrothed to Sir Francis...........admittedly he doesn't know it yet..........but your Mother and I have a plan. But I don't want to marry Sir Francis Daddy.... Why ever not.......he's rich and powerful..........what more could a young lady want? He treats everyone who doesn't agree with him as idiots and only love's money and himself Daddy.... So!!...........People like Sir Francis don't marry for love you silly girl..........Its about power and connections.......just think what your'll be doing for your sisters and parents status! But I don't even fancy him Daddy.................. Well you will jolly well do your duty!.......shouted the Judge........... all he needs is an heir......besides.....he said softening his tone.......once you given him an heir he will forget all about you, and you'll be able to go back to your rake with the fancy knob..............What's his name by the way? I mustn't say Daddy Why ever not?...............it's perfectly natural for people of our class to have our little dalliances and peccadilloes..........is he well connected?.......he must have some wealth judging by the size of his flashy knob...............whats he do my darling Flo................said the Judge with a sweet smile...... Oh all right then Daddy I'll give you a clue...............................He's in Pouffes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Chapter three Troy the wonder dog having seen Pelmetman locked up and Horace the Travelhome impounded could at last relax, he new that they were both safe so could go out on the town.........It had been a long time since Troy had been off the leash and had padded quickly towards the flesh pots of Soho to renew some old acquaintances. It was a thoroughly debauched pooch that walked into the public bar of "The Cock In Cider".......Dave the Lancashire Cockney landlord recognised Troy..... as he sat down by the bar having a good scratch........... Have you got any Frontline Dave?............I think one those bitches have given me something antisocial....said Troy By eck!.......Dave exclaimed...... I'll go to the foot of our apple & pears a talking dog! 8-).......... Well of course I can talk *-) ..........why do you think I'm called "Troy the Wonder Dog"..... You could be on the stage in films..... Yeah...... I know I could make a fortune........etc etc.....what is with you humans.....money money money................there's more to life than the filthy lucre.........said Troy........Now about that Frontline.. Oh yes........ said Dave.......getting over his initial shock......he called..........Hey Mel..... have you any Frontline on you? MelB who had called in for a pint of heavy on the way to the plumbers merchants, had been checking her shopping list for sorting out Knobs's U bends...............Yes Dave........catch.. You can always rely on Mel to be prepared for anything ;-)..............said Dave to Troy with a wink..........by the way where's Pelmetman? He's been locked up... Locked up!...........why? Well its all a bit of a misunderstanding...........they couldn't understand him and he got locked up for being lewd in public before he was able to see Inspector Manhole....... Aye that's understandable enough with Pelmetman.........said Dave......So what are you doing here? I need your help Dave to get him out so he can see Inspector Manhole..... But that was day's ago.........where have you been? Well a dogs entitled to a bit of R&R now and then ain't I...........you have no idea what its like living with Pelmetman Dave......... I can guess said Dave 8-) Hey Mel..... look after the bar for a while will you............I'm going to see a man about a dog........... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 Sir Francis had, had a terrible night.......The ghost of past events kept taunting him...........the memories of that school trip long ago were becoming clearer 8-)..............The usual brothel where they stayed in South Wales............The drink.....The drugs......The rejection of his favourite fag....... The rage he felt.........The lone Sheppard girl tending her flock...........Who shouted.....Oi!!.... You!... boy'o what're you doing with that ewe 8-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 The Judge alighted from his carriage outside Knobs, to find Lord Brakwynde and General Trumper sat on the steps looking shocked.............I say gents you're looking down in your cups?...........said the judge We have been Knobbled Judge 8-)............ replied Lord Brakwynde...............Oh well as they say it's an ill wind that blows no good......said the Judge as he swept past with a snigger.........Hello 1foot I see a breath of fresh air has arrived so I assume Sir Francis is now Headknob? Yes indeed Judge.............things have moved fast, there's only me and Mel B left!.............Only you and MEL B!!........ rubbing his still damaged protuberance......... Yes said 1foot.....Sir Francis sacked all the other staff and using his contacts with Baroness Jockland has managed to get us twice the number of staff for half the money ;-)............. they're illegal then?.........................So I assume Humper is back amongst us? Yes Judge................but at least we have more than enough staff to replace the ones that are expelled once they have been impregnated by Sir Humphrey .........................We just need to make sure he doesn't invite his mate Dominic ;-) Indeed said the Judge................well at least there's plenty of staff to go around for now ...........said the Judge with a smirk. Judge made his way up to Sir Francis's rooms........................ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 pelmetman - 2012-03-16 9:03 PM Judge made his way up to Sir Francis's rooms........................ Upon entering he found Sir Francis, Lord Kirbyman, Sir Robin and.... Sir Humphry who was examining Sir Francis's art collection with a magnifying glass............It was widely recognised that Sir Francis had amassed the finest examples of erotic art involving sheep outside of Wales...... Good'day to yer gents and may I congratulate you on your Election Sir Francis ......................... Tish tish....it was a foregone conclusion after my careful manipulation of the committee, nothing for a man of my shining parts!....but it's good of you to come Judge, please join us...... said Sir Francis.......you are just in time Lord Kirbyman has some news with regard to the DNA report........Please carry on your Lordship.... Well... Sir Francis now that I have had time to examine this report more carefully it appears to be the DNA of four people, as you can see there are four profiles.............FOUR??.... exclaimed Sir Francis Yes indeed Sir Francis and as you can see each profile has a set of initials.....SF which I presume is you.......DM.....which appears to be a females DNA........and then P&P which I at first thought stood for postage and packing..........but I have since deduced to be two male offspring..... Ye Gods!!!!.... there's two of em!!......said Sir Francis slumping shocked into his chair........ 8-) Would this have anything to do with our last school trip to South Wales all those years ago?.... asked Sir Robin..... Oooh yes the wonderful Randy Mandy's TonyPandy brothel.... said Lord Kirbyman with a glint in his eye. Ha Ha Ha.............So that's why we had to sneak out the next morning when Stavros Flatey Miller from the Kebab shop started banging on the door!!..........You Old Dog Sir Francis I didn't know you had it in you......said Sir Humphery with a leer Well I do seem recall you being in a foul mood for some reason.......and storming out into the night saying you were going to bang some sense into the locals.............Aaaaah!......... this is why the twins mentioned inheritance.......said the Judge sagely........ Yes indeed Judge....... said Sir Francis ruefully recovering from his initial shock........ Gentlemen.....it appears I may of been a bit indiscreet after our last little drinking session in Wales all those years ago... Which why I would like your advice Judge.................I have recently had communication from a Welsh wench called Donna demanding a large financial recompense...or.....She will go public and expose me!.......the strumpet!!....... said Sir Francis seething with fury.......... Well.......said the Judge contemplating the problem........ IT.. might be wise to settle with the hussy........as the publicity could do untold damage to a man in your position............but what about these offspring?.......... Indeed Judge the... Offspring....said Sir Francis with a wicked glare......that is where you come in, I intend to track down these offspring using my network of spies... and then you will lock them up for me... But what have they done Sir Francis?............Judge can't just lock people up..... said Lord Kirbyman Judge will do what I ask...... as he want's me to marry his daughter.......dont you Judge?.....said Sir Francis with a knowing look... But....but....stammered the Judge......... Don't worry Judge, I'll marry your daughter as I will require an heir of suitable stature................BUT.. in return for going with the Flo.......I will require a small service from you......namely the removal of my two inconvenient b******d's. I see......... said the Judge..........Hmmmm...... I dare say something could be arranged.................. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donna miller Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Dave, You need therapy. :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.