Guest pelmetman Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Pelmetman who had never been banged up before was put in with another prisoner.......... a kindly looking elderly chap who whilst extending his hand introduced himself..............How do, I’m Fiery Fred.......I’m an arsonist..... A shocked Pelmetman immediately backed away into a corner...........he had met a few of those in the Navy.......and stammered..... wallo Fwiery Fwed... Fred was quite taken aback by Pelmetmans reaction......but soon put two and two together....and considering the way Pelmetman spoke and dressed........came to a natural conclusion .... Aaaah...... your one of those care in the community nutters...... said Fred touching the side of his nose knowingly with his finger.......never mind me....... he said kindly....it’ll be nice to have someone to chat too.... Fred really did like to chat and talked nonstop.......not that it bothered Pelmetman as Fred had a pleasing West country bur which soon sent him fast asleep.... After several days though they were firm friends...........and Pelmetman knew all about Fiery Fred, how he was one of the best arsonists of his age, and specialized in insurance scams.....he learnt about every blaze that Fred had ever started, the best methods of starting one, how particular he was that no living thing was ever injured, as Fred was very fond of animals......and how not to get caught.....although the irony of the last bit.....was not lost on Fred....and he went onto explain how he’d been stitched up by a load of scum bag politicians..........who wanted him to set fire to where their expenses records were kept................ But because Fred had turned the job down after discovering rare bats in the rafters.......which infuriated the MP’s who had never known a principle that could not be sold...... they set him up by saying the records had been moved to the Cutty Sark, and having tipped of the police Fred was caught......... with his red headed Swan Vesta in his hand. Suddenly......they heard the key being put in the cell door, which opened to reveal PC Brigade who said.........Follow me please Pelmetman.... Wam I fwee?...............Eh?...I’m taking you to see Inspector Manhole.......replied PC Brigade Whippee....Inwector Wanhole wat wong wast............ :-D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michele Posted March 27, 2012 Author Share Posted March 27, 2012 :D :D :D :D :D Nutta should of wrote a book Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 michele - 2012-03-27 9:53 PM :D :D :D :D :D Nutta should of wrote a book Naahh......... can't do joined up writing................or do it for money.............takes the fun out of living :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 Earlier in the day back at Knobbs Arkroyd Pothelwaite was helping Sir Francis to dress........and was placing his masters legs into his expensively made boots........he was well used to the cloven feet, and the 666 birthmark on the back of his masters neck no longer disturbed him. There was a light tap at the door............Ah.....that will be Mr Graham, go let him in Pothelwaite.... Yis Yis master, straight away.........he said touching his forelock. Mr Graham from Filth & Lucre strode in.........Good news Sir Francis we have located one of your B*rstards..........even better he’s already locked up! Is he bye Jove........replied Sir Francis..........We must alert the Judge straight away......what about the other one? Well Sir Francis....um....we have tracked him down....but...um.....he’s very well connected...... . CONNECTED???!!!........said Sir Francis spitting out his tea......what do you mean CONNECTED??? Well Sir Francis........he’s quite well known...... Well Known?............spit it out man! It’s Pouffeman.................................................. 8-) ________________________________________________________________________________ Back at Scotland Yard............. Inspector Manhole and Dave were discussing how to introduce the twins............. We need a safe house........said Inspector Manhole.....and I was thinking perhaps “The Cock in Cider” would be ideal.......... Ee bye gum, well scratch my syrup of figs..........said Dave.......I guess that would be ok?.......Donna always stayed at my place coz she felt safe she said......Is Donna going to be there? Not sure...........said Inspector Manhole........she is trying to stay one step ahead of Sir Francis’s spies....and knowing her she’ll lead them a merry dance... There was a knock on the door.......Yes? The door opened and PC Brigade entered with Pelmetman..................who immediately burst into tears and fell to the floor grasping Troy around the neck. Twoy twoy twoy.......he sobbed........wy was wacked wiv worry........wat wor wafe.... Troy glanced up at Dave and rolled his eyes..............but in truth Troy was very much attached to his pet human..........the others were more than a bit embarrassed by Pelmetman’s display of emotion and looked at each other not quite sure what to say. Ahem....said Inspector Manhole......clearing his throat to try to distract Pelmetman.......Mr Pelmetman we have some information for you. Inworwation?......said Pelmetman trying wipe away the tears and be a superhero again.........Inworwation?....he repeated. Inworwation?.........eh?..........said Inspector Manhole. He said Information!............replied Troy..........he has a lisp! My God a talking dog!......said PC Brigade Dave tried to attract the PC’s attention.............waving his hands to indicate don’t go any futher.....but too late. You could be on the stage, you could earn a fortune........blurted out Brigade. Troy’s eyes narrowed and he started to bare his teeth.............. Pelmetman leapt in front of PC Brigade saving his crown jewels from certain death............... Wits walwight Twoy we widdit wean wuffink...................... :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 Once the commotion died down, and PC Brigade had apologised to Troy for being doggist. Pelmetman said to Inspector Manhole.................... Inworwation? Yes.. Mr Pelmetman.... we have some information that you will find shocking but very pleasing.... You have a Mother and a Brother! Wow!....Wah Wummy wan wah Wuvver......replied Pelmetman struggling to take it in........We wav wah Wummy wan wah Wuvver woy Waaaaaaaaah!!..........Pelmetman said to Troy, who’s lisp was worse when under stress..........and bursting into tears fell to the floor hugging Troy again. Jeeez not again!........muttered Inspector Manhole........Perhaps if we could make a move to the safe house then we can unite Pelmetman with his brother and hopefully Donna.......he said nodding to Dave. One slight problem Inspector.........offered PC Brigade.......Due to the fuel crisis all the Yards vehicles are empty!............ Dam!... that’s a problem, how are we going to get too the “Cock in Cider”?......replied Manhole. Horace has a full tank......said Troy over Pelmetmans shoulder.......we filled up at Tesco’s to get our chunnel points just before Horace was impounded. Horace???.............who’s the hell is Horace for Christ’s sake........Manhole was starting to get the feeling he was losing touch with reality. Worace wis wour wavelhome......wour woverly wamper Wour Wamper???.........asked Brigade Horace is a Travelhome......their campervan...... Dave said Ah...replied Manhole.........does he talk? Eh?.....said the others thinking the strain of trying to save the world was finally getting to the inspector. Well.. er.. um.... said Manhole, realising what he’d just said and scribbling a quick note......Horace sounds ideal, and he’s in our compound you say?.... well Mr Pelmetman if you would kindly take this chit down to the compound and get Horace released, and we’ll be down in a few minutes....... by the way ask at reception who the duty supervisor is as you’ll need to shout for him. Pelmetman happily took the chit and left the office with Troy padding behind. Right whilst they’ve gone.......I’ll just make a couple of phone calls to Donna and Pouffeman.......said the Inspector to Dave and his PC. No answer so.............Manhole left messages. A rapid knocking and the desk sergeant appeared around the door...........Sorry Inspector....there’s a commotion going on in the compound......the supervisor is chasing that weirdo around with a monkey wrench!! Who’s the supervisor?...........asked Manhole. Billy Banker.............was the reply :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted April 6, 2012 Share Posted April 6, 2012 They hurried down to the compound to find Pelmetman clinging to the top of a flag pole, with Billy the supervisor shouting up at him and waving a very large monkey wrench. It’s all right Billy he’s got a wisp..........said Manhole........Christ!!........He’s got me doing it now!........................I meant he’s got a lisp. He called me a.. a.. dick... wank .........No I won’t repeat it......said Billy still fuming. Yes I know Billy but like I say it’s his lisp, he didn’t mean anything..........said Manhole soothingly. Well if you say so Inspector.....replied Billy reluctantly and lowered his wrench. You can come down now Pelmetman.......... shouted Manhole. Pelmetman slid slowly down the pole and stood uncertainly at the bottom and asked where’s Twoy? At that moment Troy appeared by the entrance to the dog compound with a self satisfied look on his face..........he always liked a bitch in uniform. Twoy!!.......wou wad wog!..........weave whose witches awone! Can we have the key to his camper please......said Manhole to Billy.............What!.... that heap of crap in the corner?.........I thought it was going to the crusher!.........well here’s the key’s....he said removing it from his large key ring and holding it up. Wanks Willy!.........said Pelmetman snatching it from his hand, affronted by his suggestion. Fwire wup Worace the Twavelhome Twoy!........and minced purposely towards his camper. Once everyone was aboard.......with Troy in the Copilots seat..........Pelmetman shouted.... wold wight.......Troy looked behind at Manhole, Dave & PC Brigade wedged into the dinette.......................he meant hold tight........ replied Troy with a snigger. So Horace in a cloud of black smoke sped.....slowly...from the compound at back of New Scotland Yard. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Whilst Sir Francis’s gleaming 6 wheel Hobby arrived at the front........ Sir Francis alighted with Mr Graham, The Judge, Lord Kirbyman and Sir Robin in tow, and marched into reception. I understand you have Pelmetman in your cells, and the Judge here has a write for him to be sent immediately to solitary confinement at Rampton Prison...... please serve the write Judge.......said Sir Francis smugly to the desk sergeant. Well Sir Francis I reckon if anyone needed locking up there, then he’s the man.......but.......unfortunately he’s been released.......said the desk sergeant. Released!........RELEASED!!!!...........WHY??.............spluttered Sir Francis Well apparently he was innocent........said the sergeant. Dumfounded.........Sir Francis said................innocent?.....INNOCENT??...........what the hell has that got to do with anything?..... letting murderers, rapists and paedophiles wander the streets is one thing!............you’ll be letting the old biddy who doesn’t pay her rates loose next!!!!...........just what is this country coming too!!!!!!!.................I demand to see the Chief Constable! Well we don’t actually have one at the moment.......replied the desk sergeant......due to press intrusion........But thinking on her feet.......and knowing she was dealing with real power......It was Inspector Manhole who had him released. Curses!!...............said Sir Francis turning away from the sergeant..............That Manhole knows something Mr Graham!...........back to my Hobby people! Once everyone was sitting comfortably in his spacious slide out.......Sir Francis went to his gun cupboard, and handed out several kalashnikov’s, and picking his favourite gold plaited Magnum for himself.........whilst loading it with dum dum bullets he said...............Right Gentlemen......our game has moved up a notch......solitary confinement will no longer serve our purpose.......................... 8-) 8-) 8-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted April 6, 2012 Share Posted April 6, 2012 Ooop's....... wrote writ wrong.... right? :-S Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 Chapter Six Pouffeman returned to “Pouffe in the Smoke” his shop in Soho.. he had been out delivering and arranging a few jobs on the side............ for he was as Mr Graham said well connected. It’d been a long day, and he finally finished one of his strangest commissions, having arranged the final collection of sheep from Knobb’s of Mayfair, they’d told him they had a pet ram with insatiable appetite for sheep from a particular farm in Wales.......... Being brought up amongst the brothels, transgender clubs, gay bars, and every other den of iniquity, along with confused if loving parents, Pouffeman was rarely surprised by his customers requests. Soho had a well deserved reputation........not a place the rich and famous or people in power could be seen to loiter, but often they would like to avail themselves of those services on offer, ........This is how Pouffeman became well connected.........by putting his high class customers in touch with his low class friends...... although he refused to except any payments, not because he saw it as pimping and illegal, but because he liked to help out his childhood mates.......... who had gone into the areas more traditional forms of employment.........................whilst he had surprised them all by getting into Pouffes. Dirty Girty retired hooker and his Aunty, also worked part time as his receptionist said................ just a couple of calls on the answer phone Mr P while you were out..............Pouffeman had banned her from answering the phone, following a unfortunate incident when Girty having worked a double shift at her evening job with Babestation as a chat line operator................... a elderly gentlewoman who rung up to enquire about having her pouffe re stuffed, got offered more than she expected. Did Flo call Aunt Girt?..........he asked It was whilst out delivering a charabanc of naughty ladies and ladyboys, and a couple of sheep, along with one of his special gout Pouffes, to one of the Judge’s infamous soirees, that he met the lovely Flo...................It was love at first sight. Yes dear and there was a message from an Inspector Manhole and he left a number.....ave you been a naughty boy Mr P?.......said Aunt Girt with a leer.............It was common knowledge that Mr P was still a virgin.......his adoptive parents thought he was suffering from “sweet shop syndrome” as he was brought up surrounded by every opportunity to lose his cherry. Inspector Manhole?.......I’ve no idea.....I presume he left a number? Pouffeman put down the phone...... Are you alright Mr P!........ARE YOU ALRIGHT!!........all yer colours gone, ave you ad an erection?.........Asked Girty. No Aunt I’ve just spoke to......to.....my Wuvver.....I mean my brother... and.... I have a mother.....I mean another mother.....I mean I’m not sure what I mean.........said Pouffeman in a state of shock.......I better ring Flo......I have to meet my brother...... and go too Wales........................ 8-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted April 14, 2012 Share Posted April 14, 2012 Ding Ding Ding went the shop bell..............and Dirty Girty wandered through from the workshop to find 5 men dressed in full length leather trench coats sun glasses and trilby hats............. Well! gennelmen............said Girty............Is that a Kalashnikov under your coats, or are yu’s guy's jus pleased to see me? Where’s Pouffeman?.......... said the leader OooH..... Mr P?..........he had to leave.......can I intrest you’s gents in a fancy pouffe or two. LISTERN HAG!!............said Sir Francis with a menacing look and pulling out his gold plaited Magnum........... YOU will answer our questions OR.......... OR what??................. said Dirty Girty..............you’s blokes wil rape and pillage me?..................or you'll shoot Well gis’us the choice I’ll opt for the rape an pillage guvner!.................. said Girty deftly removing her big panties........the old skill’s are still there she thought to herself. The sight of pair of big knickers being twirled on Dirty Girty’s finger was too much for Sir Francis, especially as he and the others were being splattered from the near full tennner lady in the said big knickers. Sir Francis!...............called Mr Graham who had been ferreting around whilst the confrontation with Dirty Girty had been going on.....................Cock in Cider! Well you can Mr Graham!!!........but it’s more than I can stomach that’s for sure. No No!....... Sir Francis.....It’s where Pouffeman has gone I'm sure.....It’s written on this pad...........he said holding it up in the air....................... and it was the last place we traced Donna Kebeb to aswell............................ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowtelse2do Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 It's been a strange month, I've been away 3 time's over the past 3 to 4 weeks and forgot about this thread. Just decided to pick it up again but after going through a fortnights post's I've come to the conclusion that I could never write anything that could surpass the genius of our own forum's literature expert..... Dave 'Pelmetman'....... the Damien Hurst of the literature world. Dave you are up there with the greats and if I dare say so, you surpass Enid Blyton. Were you related to her by any chance? I ask because she also wrote under the name of Mary POLLOCK, but you knew that didn't you. I love mysteries, and with every sentence and chapter you write it gets more mysterious how one's mind can actually think up some of the scenario's that you conjure up. Pure Genius full stop. That's that little dot after the p dave. I have noticed of late new members from other forums are flock.!!....yes that's right........flocking to this forum, I can only think that the word has spread about our own Bard.........keep it up, jolly good show and all that. A secret admirer ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 You mean other people don't have a mind like mine Dave?..............that's worrying :-S Can't say I read much Enid Blyton............The Dandy & Beano were my literature of choice :D.........Although I am a fan of Tom Sharpe, just read his latest Wilt book ;-).................and Patrick O' Brian his are the only books I ever bought new, and I must of read them through 4 or 5 times by now...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 The electric black cab slowly and quietly wended its way through the abandoned cars and queues at the fuel pumps, on its way to the East End pub. He sat alone in the back with his thoughts.....fondling his knob.......which was a sure sign that he was nervous, as a young child, whenever fearful he would grab his nob and hug it to himself for comfort, he never wanted to be parted from it, as a baby it saw useful service while he was teething, as it gave him something hard to chew on, even now it was like a comfort blanket to him........................ He never went anywhere without his jewel encrusted knob. It was a wonder that the jewel had escaped the clutches of Nun’s and fathers at the convent, who were well known for their rapaciousness............they had studied it careful after Donna had asked for the bauble to be given to one of her sons, and finally decided as there were no hallmarks and it was far to flashy to be real........so the fathers from “fathers for b*stards. Com” had handed it over to the adoptive parents as part of the deal, partly because they were feeling a little guilty that they were charging twice the going rate for child trafficking............... the reason they gave was the cost of providing babies to minority groups. Everyone thought it was made from glass and pinchbeck................Pouffeman was happy for people to think that, but he new they were real gems and 22ct gold, as a Jewish friend from Hatton Garden had tested it for him one day, and they discovered it was worth a kings ransom. But it was far more precious than that too Pouffeman it was a link to his past, his real parents......... Once he had begun to earn some decent money, he had his friend turn it into a sword stick..... He arrived at the Cock in Cider...............steeling himself he entered...... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sir Francis’s posse arrived outside the Cock in Cider................They cocked their weapons......... Remember everyone..... NO SURVIVORS!.......said Sir Francis as they prepared to storm the pub... NOW!....... he shouted and they burst into the pubs all guns blazing........after they had discharged their weapons and the guns clicked on empty magazines.............they stood stunned looking around at the carnage they had caused............the bar was a total wreck.............................................. but it was empty....... ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michele Posted April 18, 2012 Author Share Posted April 18, 2012 Where ddi they all go ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 michele - 2012-04-18 8:23 PM Where ddi they all go ? Wales :D Chapter Seven Inspector Manhole was dreading the first meeting of the 2 “P’s”, and fully expected it to be extremely embarrassing cry fest.................but much to his, Dave’s and PC Brigade’s relief..........the meeting was very reserved........an extended hand... a brief hug..........a quick sniff of the crotch by Troy.......Who winked at the others and said........Yep!....after double checking with Pelmetmans crotch..... same dumbnuts!..........it was as though they’d never been separated....... Manhole seizing the initiative quickly suggested..... We must make tracks immediately to Wales as I have received a very worrying text from Donna....... As they pulled away in Horace they heard what they took to be fireworks.............Funny?..... said Dave...... you’d almost think it was coming from my pub? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sir Francis and his posse stood in silence amongst the destruction, as dust and bits of plaster from the ceiling settled around them. Dam them to hell they have the devils own luck!........fumed Mr Graham. Never mind Mr Graham......I know where they’re heading..........so back to the Hobby Gentlemen we are going on a trip down memory lane.... Memory lane?.....asked Lord Kirbyman. Yes your lordship we are going back to our old haunts in South Wales......replied Sir Francis. Randy Mandy’s!.................well it’s been a while...... added Sir Robin...............I wonder if she’ll remember me? I bet she’ll remember me the most...........said the Judge with a knowing leer. Never mind your licentious memories gents!...............I have a trap to spring, they’ll be like LAMBS to the slaughter HA HA HAaaaaaaaah........... Sir Francis’s inhuman laugh made the others stare as they’d never heard him laugh before............... 8-) 8-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 Donna was having a very worrying phone call with her nephew Windy Miller who was employed as her shepherd.............she thought to herself he sounds really scared ............ They aren’t normal Aunty Donna!!......repeated Windy........How do you mean not normal?.........They’re just to big! ..and are arriving to quick........And...and... they’re scary aunty.....really scary!.......Well stay calm Win....she said......I’m coming home..... Donna couldn’t understand it, she’d heard on the news about the Shmallenberg disease, but thought Wales was too far away........but then she remembered her ewes had been sent to London to be covered?.............was London infected?...... She recalled winning the competition in “Sheep Shagger monthly” a well known top shelf magazine in Wales, although she couldn’t recall entering?................but the first prize to have her ewe’s covered by the famous pedigree ram “Ramma Dammer Ding Dong the 3rd”was an offer that was just too good to refuse..........although she was puzzled by the need for her ewes to be sent in batches to London, but accepted the reply that “Ramma” was too valuable to be allowed to wander about a field, besides he might get his pair of hoof’s dirty..... As Donna started down the mountain where she had led Sir Francis’s spies, happy that she’d got them well and truly lost in the valley’s.........She reflected on her life.......everything had been perfect in Tonypandy until those posh Manchester Public school kids had arrived...........her feckless older half sister Mandy had wasted most of her life reading “Mills Boon” novels, and spent the rest of her time looking for someone of substance to wrong her..... in order to act out her fantasies of being the heroin........So when the posh public school kids first arrived, on their soon to become annual camping trip......it was an opportunity that Mandy had seized with both thighs.................Lord Brakewynde was the first...........hence Windy Miller........... His conception was the stuff of legend.......having consumed illicit spirit they had sneaked off together into the undergrowth...........but their love making soon became obvious due to Mandy’s moaning “Give it to me you rich b*stard”.....and the young lord Brakewynde humping and farting at the same time, spread much mirth and merriment amongst those left around the campfire............when his lordship having reached his final vinegar stroke let go an enormous fart that sounded just like a balloon being let go.... FfffffffffTtttttttttttttttttttttttttt...tttt......ft.........ft...............ft....ftuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu......ft.....ft....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Mandy’s refusal to go to the convent once she had started to show, had caused ructions in the Miller household. Stavros Flatly Miller raged at his daughter to no effect, indeed she revelled in the role of a fallen woman, and finally after another blazing row she left home..................and went to the council. Fortunately Mandy walked out just as Labours breeding for benefits program had started, and she was surprised by the size of the new council house she was given on the outskirts of the town, much better than the flat above the kebab shop, all paid for, and a generous benefit allowance.........It didn’t take long for Mandy to work out the fundamental equation (Baby’s = benefits + house....... more baby’s = more benefits)......... Windy Miller was weaned just as the Posh Manchester schoolboy’s returned to Tonypandy for their now annual field trip...............Mandy hastily converted the council house to a pub come brothel knowing that it backed onto where they set up camp.....................and welcomed them with open arms................... and thighs......... Over the next few years the locals became used to the yearly visit from the posh kids, and locked up their daughters...........they were no longer surprised to see a up the duff Mandy wandering around the town, pushing the one I made earlier, and wearing short shorts and cropped “T” shirt to display her obvious baby belly....................... and as usual 9 months later a new Miller arrived.... After Windy.........Kirby Miller was her second, who went on to become a lay preacher much respected for his well considered but very long sermons.......next to arrive was Robin “Arrows” Miller the future captain of a successful valley's darts team....... followed by Mental Miller destined to become a rabid justice of the peace demanding hanging for everyone found guilty...........which seemed a bit harsh for a speeding ticket............the final Miller was William “H” Miller..........who incidentally was also the final nail in the coffin of Mandy’s reputation................. As once he grew up and declared himself to be the only gay Tory in the village...........that was not quite true as most of the eligible men folk had declared themselves gay to evade Mandy’s attentions................ It was the fact that the young William had confessed to being a Tory, which is the most heinous crime you could commit in the valley’s......................... Hence Mandy decided to sell her council house, making a nice profit and moved to Benidorm with young William............To avoid the gossip............. ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 Just when you'd hope'd I'd forgotten all about it >:-) Donna arrived at her farm and stood momentarily by the elegant gates to admire her large handsome pile......... A stone built farmhouse which was the hub of her international kebab empire, she reflected on her achievements since inheriting her father’s kebab shop................Donna had done well for herself spotting the niche in the market for rare breed kebabs..... The house was known to the locals as The Farm, built in the 1800’s by Blodwin the Belligerent who had two passions in life........making money and hating the English.......and in naming the farm he was able to combine his twin passions. Tegoochgoogadlablishspoitspffechockspitggoooogoch was the longest name for any farm house in Wales, and as Blodwin had predicted the English tourists were soon flocking to see the farm with the longest name, and enabling him to sell them his overpriced produce and cheap tourist tat...... There were two interpretations of the name......the official and the actual.....the official went something like....”Welcome to my farm built in the sun kissed valley of my forefathers etc etc”...... Then there was the actual meaning, and although no such words existed in the Welsh language Blodwin used many Welsh vowels especially the ones that generated as much spittle as possible........To Blodwin and future generations of Tonypandy village the real meaning was....... “Here come the stupid English to my farm to pay through the nose for my goods and they will ask me to pronounce the name and I will gladly oblige by telling you stupid English to come closer so that I can spit on you all after which you will give me a round of applause” In truth the English did applaud but rarely did they notice the spittle due to the incessant rain...... Donna entered her house and straight away noticed the foul odour......What’s Windy doing here?.....she thought.....he should be tending the lambs.....making her way quickly to the kitchen opening windows as she went.....There was her nephew Windy Miller a trembling and farting clearly terrified.....Whatever is the matter Win?.....why arn’t you with the lambs bach?....asked Donna They ain’t lambs auntie they’re monsters.....they killed my dogs..... Nonsense Win lad how can two day old lambs do such a thing.....your hallucinating ....have you been smoking that weed again...I’ll go and see for myself, there in the cliff top field as usual? Don’t go in there auntie the.. ther.. they’re really monstrous beasts aunty........stammered Windy.. Don’t worry yourself Win I’ll just look over the wall...I promise... Donna left the house and took the short walk to the field and peered over the wall........she could see the black lambs were all together at the top of the field, she expected them to be black as Rammer Dammer Ding Dong the 3rd was black as in the picture she’d got when she won the 1st prize of having her ewe’s covered........... That’s strange she thought.... they’re normally with their mothers gambolling about........ but they do seem rather large even from this distance?........then it dawned on Donna........WHERE are their mothers!!!......her flock of prize winning ewes???....forgetting her promise to her nephew she entered the field.....and as she passed by the low stone wall of the dipping pens she recoiled in horror at the sight of Windy’s sheep dogs that had clearly been viscously savaged to death......... as she walked further into the field she saw what looked like empty woollen sacks dotted around........ Donna recognised the ear tag of her favourite sheep Dolly.... who she had hand reared after it had been rejected by its mother, from then on Dolly had followed Donna everywhere like a dog when she was in the field.......bending down to examine Dolly with tears in her eyes.... it was clear that something horrible had happened.......Something had sucked Dolly until she was completely empty!...... Suddenly Donna felt a presence and looked up into the blood red eyes of the largest black lamb she’d ever seen.......it appeared to be snarling with razor sharp teeth......Donna leapt up intending to race back to the gate.....but as she spun round she realised she had been encircled by the black devil sheep..........they started to close in............ Donna was petrified ........she was not only terrified by the sight of the beasts..........but also by............... the silence of the lambs.............. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nightrider Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 i could do with a laugh and a joke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 knight of the road - 2012-05-22 7:23 PM i could do with a laugh and a joke Well wait for the next episode Malcolm.......as I hope to reach a exciting climax soon...... :D Ooh yeah and an end to the story as well.........eventually >:-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nightrider Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 pelmetman - 2012-05-22 7:45 PM knight of the road - 2012-05-22 7:23 PM i could do with a laugh and a joke Well wait for the next episode Malcolm.......as I hope to reach a exciting climax soon...... :D Ooh yeah and an end to the story as well.........eventually >:-) You lucky pig, i've not had a climax for the last six years :-( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michele Posted May 23, 2012 Author Share Posted May 23, 2012 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donna miller Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 You've seen the film 'Black Sheep' as well then Dave. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 donna miller - 2012-05-23 6:11 PM You've seen the film 'Black Sheep' as well then Dave. :D Nope.......fraid not........ :-S........You mean there really are devil sheep 8-) 8-)..........and I thought they were the product of my warped mind and the influence of my Welsh granny from Tonypandy :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donna miller Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 Seriously, If you haven't seen it, you should. Your last entry to this tale is straight out of the script. :-D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 Tegoochgoogadlablishspoitspffechockspitggoooogoch!......Shouted Sir Francis who had gone into a trance........ Lord Kirbyman and the others were sat around the dinette of Sir Francis’s luxurious motorhome as it sped towards Wales..........Akroyd Pothalwaite had asked what address to enter into the satnav..... In response Sir Francis had entered into the trance like state making curious BaaaaGrrrrr.....baabaagrr...........noises.................. which quite startled his posse.....who would of been even more shocked, when Sir Francis opened his eyes wide to reveal blood red sheep’s eyes before they slowly rolled backwards into his eye sockets to reveal his usual cold stare.......but as they were all engrossed in removing the spittle from their clothing they missed it....... How do you spell that?.... asked Pothelwaite from the cab..........T E G O... Oooooooh.... Just put in the postcode dam it for Tonypandy Farm.... replied Sir Francis irritably..... To the others he said with an evil glint............I have the lovely Donna surrounded....... Surrounded?..... By whom?....... Never mind by whom Sir Robin, you can be rest assured she’s not going anywhere.......and I’ll not be surprised if we find that pair of inconvenient bastards of mine there as well........ 30 minutes away master! Called pothelwaite from the cab.... Excellent!.....My plans for world domination will soon be back on track gentlemen... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile Horace the Travelhome was deftly negotiating the back lanes of Tonypandy to arrive at the back of Donna’s farm........This is it Pelmetman... said Inspector Manhole....If you pull up in the courtyard we’ll go to the kitchen entrance..... I say brother... mother seems to have done rather well for herself.... Wes inweed!.....replied Pelmetman as they stood together admiring her impressive country pile. No time to dally chaps let’s hope she’s here.......said Manhole grabbing the large testicular shaped knocker........I fear your mother holds a bit of a grudge against men.......although not without good reason....KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK..... They all stepped back in alarm when the foul smelling odour assaulted their senses as the door opened to reveal a man dressed in a shepherds smock... Can I help you?......... I’m Inspector Manhole of the “Yard”... I can smell....I mean....I can tell that you must be Windy Miller Donna Millers Nephew? That is correct Inspector....but what can I do for you and who are these fellows? Well this is my associate PC Brigade, and this chap is Dave the landlord of the “Cock in Cider”....and these two gentlemen are your long lost cousins Pelmetman & Pouffeman......and this is Troy Pelmetman’s Dog..............Is Donna here we need to see her urgently....? Troy was sniffing Windy’s backside........amazed that someone could outperform him in the farting stakes.... Yes she arrived not long ago.......something strange and terrible has happened to the lambs this year...she just gone to see them....she should be over there by the.....Oh my God....she’s gone in!!!.... I told her not to....LOOK she’s surrounded by the monstrous things....Whatever will we do??...panicked Windy.... Do you have a gun? asked Manhole knowing all farmers had a shot gun.... Yes of course the gun..... I’ll get it said Windy dashing back in the kitchen and grabbing the double barrel shot gun from over the inglenook and a box of cartridges, and run back out to join the others who were grabbing what weapons they could find in the courtyard.....so armed with a shot gun, several gardening implements and Mr “P’s” sword stick they headed off to take on the most fearsome beasts ever created by the devil himself....... Who’s that pulling into the coach park by the field?.....queried Windy.....we don’t normally allow tourists to see the lambs for another week... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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